Entering the White House the security checks are long, thorough and tedious. Not that I mind – they’re necessary. After all, Joe Biden is firmly within the risk group, and I wouldn’t want to be the one giving the 46th POTUS the Rona. No sir. Besides, I’m here to talk to the President about gaming. How crazy is that? Thus, for all I care, security was free to check me to their heart’s content – bend over, cough and all.
Finally, I was escorted and seated across President Biden in the Oval Office. “OO”, as Joe jokingly calls it (he first told me to call him Joe when fist-bumping me for hellos).
In between me and Joe was the famous and imposing timber masterpiece: The Resolute Desk, gifted to President Rutherford B. Hayes by Queen Victoria in 1880. That and our corona masks of course. Joe didn’t seem to mind the orange tan residue still visible on his FFP mask, and I didn’t mention it.
Mr. President, I––
Joe, please. Call me Joe. Mr. President was my dad.
Oh... alright. But that’s ok. I like Mr. President. Makes me feel official. So… do you mind if I get straight into it?
No. Not at all. Getting straight into it is what I always say and do. [laughs] Get it? [laughs and winks]
Good one, Mr. President. Good one. So... my trusted sources at TMZ revealed to me that you plan to raise the tax on video games. Why is that?
Well, it’s just as I told TMZ: After seeing Trump loyalists’ attack on the capitol, dressed as video game characters, I knew it was time to raise taxes on gaming.
Interesting. Can you elaborate?
Sure. Let’s see, these… let’s call them maniacs. They… were dressed like something straight out of Assassin’s Creed or Far Cry or something. Clearly, they had taken great inspiration from, what honestly are, great games.
Oh, you’re an Assassin’s Creed fan?
Black Flag all day, baby! [smiles]
What did you think about Valhalla?
I… I like it. The thing is, after we had that clusterfuck that was Cyberpunk – excuse my language – after that, it was just so easy for Valhalla to be a great game? Let it compete in 2013 with games like GTA V, The Last of Us and Bioshock and that bad boy sinks harder than our nation’s approval rating.
But if you are a gamer yourself, Mr. President, why raise the taxes on gaming?
Well, you see: I’m a white, wealthy man. Hell, I’m the POTUS! Who would’ve thought? Certainly not Barack. [chuckles]
So, put yourself in my shoes: We got a clear association between poverty and violence in America, right? So what’s the logical conclusion here? Exactly: Video games cause violence, and the problem is that poor people can still afford them. So my first thought was: Why don’t poor people just work harder? But that’s not my concern – I’m not the type of guy that mingles in other people’s business.
So then my second thought was: If I raise the taxes on video games, poor people can’t buy them anymore. If only rich people play games, they will not get influenced to commit crimes, because they have a life.
It’s the people that have nothing to lose that are so dangerous. As Patrick Swayze taught us in Dirty Dancing: Never corner a starving baby.
So the answer to violence and gun control in America is…?
Simple. Get those video games out of the hands of those poor people. They should be working anyway. As far as I’m concerned, I’m killing two birds with one stone here: Poor people have less distraction and less opportunity for procrastination, so they can work more and they stop getting stupid ideas from games like GTA V. That’s why I will raise taxes on video games.
Did you play GTA V as well?
Are you kidding? “Maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got, you'd get some bitches on your dick.” That’s my jam.
Wow. President Joe Biden with the on point Lamar impression!
Oh no, please. You should hear Barack’s. He kills it. He can do the whole thing too. I can’t. Obviously... [laughs]
Speaking of former President Obama: You guys keep in touch?
A little. It’s tough with the COVID going on. He doesn’t do his BBQs anymore, so currently, we are mostly just, dabbling in the odd round of Warzone here and there.
President Biden and former President Obama playing Warzone? Uhm… mind blown.
Oh yes, not just us: Donald’s in on it too.
No, Donald Duck, bro. [laughs] Yes, Donald Trump. He’s pretty darn good at Warzone actually. What do you think he’s been doing these last 8 years?
No way. What’s his username?
Wow. He’s gonna get bombarded with friend requests now.
That’s ok. At least he finally has some friends then.
True. So back to the video game tax increase to keep them out of the hands of poor people: This is definitely happening?
Oh, yes 100%. We’re just doing the whole congress thing and all the approval stuff now and then... Bob’s Your Uncle. Now I know, gamers will not lik––
[The President’s cell phone rings. If you’re wondering: It’s an iPhone Pro 12 and his phone case says BMF on the back]
Yes, I’m doing the interview with EarlyGame. You know, the gaming site we always go on.
Yes, that one. We were actually just talking about you. I told them how you don’t do your BBQ’s anymore and––
What? It’s not racist if it’s true!
[listens, shakes head]
The big booty thing was a completely different context…
Ok, ok, makes sense.
Yes, I’m online in 10, ok? Cool. Bye.
[He hangs up the phone]
So sorry, that was Barack, we…
Verdansk awaits, right? I get it.
Exactly. [gets up, fist bumps] Hey, good talking to you, take care now.
It is with those words that Joe Biden, the President of the United States (I had to repeat this to myself, to really grasp that this actually happened) ends this interview. To my surprise, he doesn’t leave the room. Rather, he sits back down and pulls a laptop out from under his desk (Razer, if you’re wondering). Next, he grabs an Xbox controller and winks at me, “mouse and keyboard is no good for this old man’s back”.
He falls back in his desk chair, and it is only now that I notice that it’s a gaming chair. Before I can ask President Biden about that, security comes in to escort me outside. I look back over my shoulders: One last glance at the OO and a smiling ‘Joe’ throwing up a peace sign before he’s already cussing into his mic:
“Donald… This was supposed to be a private party, how’d you get in? Fuck’s sake…”
This is satire. All characters, people and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. Every sentence is BS, so don't sue us. This series of Ben Simpson interviews will be published once every 2 weeks. Next up: Justin Bieber and his Cyberpunk penis.