EarlyGame Talk

I Don't Play Battle Royales but I Dislike Them (A Rant.)

I Don't Play Battle Royales but I Dislike Them (A Rant.) EarlyGame Talk

I Don't Play Battle Royales but I Dislike Them (A Rant.) (Image Credit: PUBG & Fortnite)

Get a snack, sip on that coffee, kick back and relax. It’s time for our EarlyGame Talk.

What's the hype with Battle Royale games?

I really don’t understand it. Is it because I'm in my 30’s? Is it my upbringing? A lack of education? Or maybe just the fact that I don’t have endless time to waste, because life is short and I don’t intend to yolo it on a flying party bus?

Did that trigger you? I'm sorry.

Here’s your typical battle royale experience: You load into the game, you wait on whatever flying rip-off vehicle the game chooses to drop you from and you pummel towards the map. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Apex does the superhero landing the best and fastest and it is still... kinda just waiting to finally get started. Why do I have to wait at least 90 seconds until I get into the action? Am I to impatient for Battle Royale games? Maybe that's it. But then, even when I finally get to the action, there's a catch: Unless you're John Fkn Wick, you land somewhere strategic and go about collecting weapons and resources first.

Yes. Collecting. Foresting. I didn't sign up for this. What am I missing here?

Poster for the movie Battle Royale

This is my type of Battle Royale. (Image credit: Battle Royale - 2000)

So then, once I’m fully equipped, carrying a bunch wood (no pun intended, cause that would be childish) and iron and whatever, I promptly get killed by one of the first 5 people I run into. Yeah, I know: Git Gud. I suck. I know... I know all that, but still, my typical BR experience goes as follows:

Minute 0-1.30: Let me waste your time before you’re allowed to start playing.
Minute 1.30-5.00: Hey remember how much fun collecting sh*t in the woods as a boy scout was? Yeah, us neither. Go do it anyway.
Minute 5.00-10.00: Oh look there is an enemy, oh, crap, I’m dead. Well let me waste another 10 minutes of my life re-queuing, so I get to duke it out with one person again.

What's that taste I'm tasting...? I can't quite place it....

I’m not even ranting at this point anymore, I’m desperate. I’m lost. I’m seeking answers. Enlightenment. Do all of you have too much time on your hands? Do you have important business you get done while you’re riding the party bus and dropping and gliding? Do you punish your little brother by making him chop trees and collect wood? Wait... that last sentence came out wrong...

Admittedly, even colleagues have told me that I simply lack a squad to play with. But I choose to be the grumpy aging young man that believes everybody else is wrong, rather than admit faults of my own.


Amidu Njiemoun

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