Ahead of his album release Justice, we interviewed Justin Bieber about his penis in Cyberpunk 2077.
Walking into the Bieber residence is like walking onto a Beverly 90210 set. Not that I’ve ever been on a 90210 set, nor that I’m surprised: The Biebers do share the same postcode, after all. From the outside, the house is quite traditional—as traditional as an 11,000-square-foot mansion on 2.5 acres can be. You can tell that Bieber has matured from his Baby days and fully grown into that mustache, which, by the way, frames the smile with which he greets me.
Justin gives me a little house-tour, but I don’t have a camera with me, so it’s all moot. Besides, it’s a celebrity house – if you’ve visited one, you’ve visited them all. Oh… you haven’t been to one. Shame. Try googling it.
The most interesting part of the house tour is the bathroom: Granite floors, rainbow shower heads and a disappearing sink inspired by Ex-Kimye’s infamous Vogue bathroom snippet. The toilet even plays songs when you drop a deuce, but unlike Drake’s toilet rapping 2Pac, this one is much more fitting: You’re shitting to the tunes of Yummy.
Still, this isn’t even the most interesting part of the whole bathroom trip. The real highlight comes when Justin unzips his Onesie – past tattoos and faded abs, down to the infamous Calvin Kleins. Next, his hands slip into his CKs and cups the Canadian family jewels for both of my eyes to see:
The penis that inspired Cyberpunk 2077.
[Ben Simpson]: So this is it, huh?
[Justin Bieber]: This is it.
You got a name for it?
Hey, as long as I’m not already, right?
It’s video game related, and I’m actually thinking about suing Konami over it.
[laughs] Spill it.
We both laugh and Justin holsters what, at that moment, was luckily more of a Liquid Snake. The rest of the interview is conducted with the Onesie fully zipped up and no snake in sight: We sit by the pool, which has enough lounge chairs to accommodate the tourists that the size of the Bieber mansion could very well house. It’s about 28 degrees to Justin and 82 Fahrenheit to me.
Justin’s aide brings cocktail(s): A Negroni for me and water for him. I feel like an alcoholic. Especially since I would go on to have 3 of the Negronis throughout this interview.
So, how did CDPR [CD Projekt Red] approach you, about this? How does a penis inspire a game?
Well… we were at a party—
There’s always that party.
[nods] There’s always that party and I definitely had too many glasses of water that night. So one thing leads to another, and I end up gaming an early version of The Witcher 4 at the club manager’s office.
Typical night out.
Exactly. So I’m play-testing this thing and this CDPR guy, Adam, he goes: “Hey we’re doing this game that your penis would be perfect for.” [laughs] I’m like, “what”?
I’ve heard some wild shit in my days, but this is definitely top-tier random, but this guy, you know, keeps that Polish, uhm… severity, that stern-look and accent, and he goes “I want your penis in my game.”
I want your penis in my game.
[puts on thick Polish accent] I want your penis in my game. [laughs]
I’m thinking at this point security is about to Terry Tate somebody.
Well… you’d think so, right? So I don’t know if it was the water or the Polish intensity, but I said: “Sure, what you need me to do?” [laughs]
Well, he took a picture, they 3D-modeled it and sent me previews. I let Hailey double-check and there you go: Original Bieber penis in Cyberpunk 2077.
Well, now I gotta ask: Which of the two Penis options and which of the sizes is it?
Oh, right I just saw it.
And your readers will never know.
Sadly, dear readers, this very last sentence rings more true than you can imagine: The interview did go on for a fair bit (after all, I still had two and a half Negronis to kill). Justin and I got into some juicy details that his PR team was not too fond of.
Eventually, Justin called it a night and I called an Uber. Intoxicated and with a vivid image of Justin Bieber's penis on my mind.
And my teachers said I'd never make it in life...
This is satire. All characters, people and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. Every sentence is BS, so don't sue us. This series of Ben Simpson interviews will be published once every 2 weeks. Next up: A chat on gaming with Kanye West.
Catch up on the last interview here: